Why am I writing this Blog?
I am writing this blog in order to share with you my experiences with OCD. OCD is a condition that is under-diagnosed, frequently misunderstood, and often stigmatised. This is even more the case when it involves certain ‘taboo’ topics.
This is despite OCD being a relatively common condition. Estimates suggest that it has affected around 1.2% of the population within the last 12 months, and 2.3% at some point during a person’s life.
I hope that by sharing my experiences, I may be able to help you to understand more about it. I would also like to share with you my progress, and the things that have helped me to achieve it.
Discovering I had OCD
Despite having OCD, I was one of the people who didn’t really know what it was. I thought it was about things such as organisation and cleanliness, which are just two many different things it can involve. I had even dismissed the idea that I may have it, believing I had anxiety (perhaps GAD) instead.
When I found out what OCD really was, it was a huge relief. So many things felt like they suddenly made sense.
I could begin to understand why I was experiencing the things that I was. That my thoughts didn’t have to mean that I was broken. That maybe it wasn’t my fault that I was having them. That I wasn’t alone in having them.
Not only that, but it also meant that there were ways to treat it. That there were people who would understand what it was that I was going through. Where before I was too scared and ashamed to seek help, now I felt I could look for help, without being judged.
Knowing I had OCD didn’t suddenly make everything better, but it was the point from which I could begin to improve my life. I have made so much progress in the year or so since then, which I had felt unable to do before.
What am I looking to achieve
If you are reading this because you feel lost, confused, depressed, helpless, ashamed, or anything else, then I hope that I can help in some way. Even without knowing you, I can tell you that the impact of mental health issues is something that I would not wish on anyone. Whoever you are, I truly hope that reading this is of some benefit to you, and can, in some small way, help you towards finding peace and contentment.
I also hope that writing this will provide me with a deeper understanding of my own condition.
About me
I do not have any education on mental health issues, and am not a medical professional. I am therefore writing this based on my own experiences, and it should be treated as such.
About my OCD
Although some of my experiences will be relevant to anyone with OCD, as experiences with OCD can vary hugely, it is inevitable that my experiences will be more relevant to some of you than others. I will therefore try to briefly summarise my OCD.
My thoughts revolve around the fear that I am a ‘bad’ person (although evil and irredeemable is a more accurate description of how my OCD wants me to feel about myself).
My compulsions are mental, and are based one way or another around disproving this fear. Examples include self-reassurance, rumination, and generally checking over my memories and emotional responses to them. I may feel a need to know for sure what happened, to reassure myself that the thought telling me that I am a bad person is not true, or to reassure myself that what may have happened wasn’t that bad, and doesn’t make me a bad person as a result.
More specifically, I would say I have experienced different ‘themes’ including Moral Scrupulosity, Real-Event, False Memory, Sexual and POCD themes.
This occurs through negative thoughts. These thoughts (and accompanying emotions) cause me to doubt things such as: who I am as a person, how certain events unfolded (and whether my actions and intentions in them were acceptable), or how I would have reacted in certain hypothetical situations.
I can also obsess about the impact that my choices and actions can have on other people, what my thoughts and intentions say about me as a person, and moral issues in general. This can cause me to avoid doing certain things, due to a fear of being immoral, that a normal person wouldn’t think twice about, or cause me to do things that a normal person wouldn’t judge as necessary to do.
Where I am now
I am in a far better place now than I was at my lowest points. I am taking medication that seems to work for me, and I have done OCD-specific therapy, which has benefited me hugely.
There is still work for me to do, and to some extent there may always be, but I am now able to look forwards with optimism, rather than being trapped in my thoughts and negativity.
Final Thoughts
I am hoping that the process of writing this blog helps me improve further yet, but even having the energy and confidence to write this is in itself a huge step for me, and shows how much progress I have made.
There were plenty of times when even feeling like I do now seemed impossible. I felt like there were things I couldn’t move past. That wasn’t true though, so here I am.
To read more about my experiences, then you can do so by following this link to the Articles page.