In this article I will be talking about the relationship between my lifestyle and OCD, and about what lifestyle improvements I could make, and how I could best go about implementing them.
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The relationship between Lifestyle and OCD:
As I have mentioned before, I instinctively dislike the idea that my OCD is impacted by other ‘external’ factors such as my lifestyle. My OCD likes to pretend that it is in some way ‘purer’ than that, and is completely independent of everything else. Instead, it wants to be treated as a complex ‘puzzle’ that needs to be solved on its own terms. Therefore, the idea that other aspects of my life can influence it seems not only wrong, but like it is actually cheating in some way.
However, it is also simply the truth that my lifestyle and OCD do influence each other. In fact all aspects of my life that are not my OCD itself, can have an impact on it, just as my OCD can often impact them. When my lifestyle is better, my OCD tends to be easier to deal with, and the opposite is also true.
This can easily form a trap, with my OCD making it much harder for me to improve my life and lifestyle, and my seeming inability to improve them makes it harder to improve my OCD. It can be a vicious circle, and is one that I found myself trapped in for years before undergoing therapy.
Once improvements start though, that vicious circle can become a virtuous circle. Improvements to my OCD make it easier to improve my lifestyle, which can it turn make my OCD easier to manage, and so on, and so on. Obviously then, that is something that I want to try to achieve, and is what I feel I have started to do.
Now, this isn’t to say that OCD can be beaten by healthy living, or positive thinking alone, or anything like that. But it is to say that things such as having a healthier lifestyle, doing things that you enjoy, and things that give you a sense of achievement or self-worth, alongside OCD treatment, does help to improve things, and should be a part of the recovery process.
What does this say about my OCD?
I don’t actually think it says much at all about my OCD, other than reaffirming that my OCD’s portrayal of itself as some high-minded and pure, almost philosophical issue, that needs to be solved in mental battle, is complete nonsense. Nor is my OCD independent either. It is a liar, and a bully, that takes advantage of any weaknesses that it can find.
Acknowledging that there is a relationship between my lifestyle and OCD can be unsettling for me. It could be seen to insinuate that rather than me simply being unlucky with my OCD, I have caused it for myself by messing up my life, so I am therefore undeserving of any help or sympathy. This isn’t a nice thought, but it also isn’t true.
Partly this is because even if I had unintentionally caused it, I would still be deserving of help. Everyone is, at least in my opinion, and the idea that I am in some way uniquely undeserving of such things is one of the many lies my OCD tells me.
However I also don’t believe that my actions alone have caused it. Even if something about my life or lifestyle did initially trigger it, I must have been already predisposed to it. More than that though, my OCD also then helped to prevent me from improving my life, as I believe I otherwise could have done. It may also be the case that I already had OCD, and it simply took advantage of a low point in my life to come out of the shadows. To be honest I am not sure it matters, as I am still deserving of help however it all came about.
All that I should take from the fact that lifestyle and OCD are related, is that just because I have OCD, it doesn’t mean that everything in my life is wholly a result of my OCD (including my OCD itself). Instead, my wider quality of life all feeds into the mix that impacts how my OCD is able to cause me to feel.
Now of course my OCD also affects my wider life/lifestyle, and my ability to improve them, so again I am not saying that lifestyle improvements alone can fix things. I am simply saying that my work on getting better should be focused on improving my wider life, as well as on treating my OCD, and that these can work hand in hand.
An example of a lifestyle factor impacting my OCD:
The most obvious example of this, and one that I have mentioned before, is that when I am hungry, I can crash emotionally upon having what would be an otherwise entirely manageable thought.
This is particularly common in the evenings, when I am hungry, and feeling generally low on energy. In this situation I am far more vulnerable to my OCD. One intrusive thought can therefore be enough to cause me to crash down into a state of utter anxiety and exhaustion, in which I can barely think, and am filled with negativity.
Whether this is low blood sugar or something else I am not entirely sure. I am also unsure of whether my low state causes the thoughts to appear in the first place, or just causes them to seem far more earth shattering than they otherwise would (I suspect a bit of both). What I do know is that when I notice the warning signs beforehand, then I am able to prevent this from happening.
When I have these crashes my OCD still claims that the thought itself is valid, but it is clear that this is almost certainly not the case (although that doesn’t make it as easy to not respond to as I feel it should, because of course at the time the thought feels very real, logic be damned). Looking back afterwards though, it is clear that my poor eating habits are what caused this particular OCD event, and that managing them better would prevent these events occurring.
What problems am I looking to fix?
There are plenty of problems that I feel I have with my lifestyle, for one reason or another. These include:
- General tiredness and a lack of energy (a huge problem)
- Both Hunger and stomach problems (more minor)
- A low sense of self-worth, and a lack of a sense of achievement
- A lack of direction (which can make it harder to know how to improve things, even when I have the energy and drive to do so)
- A general dissatisfaction with my life, and a feeling that I am wasting it.
What aspects of my lifestyle could be causing these issues?
There are plenty of issues with my lifestyle that can lower my mood and make me generally more susceptible to my OCD. I could spend ages going over all the fine details and what could be done about them etc, but for now I will just do a brief outline of some of them.
These include:
- Lack of a consistent sleep schedule, contributing to tiredness.
- Too much time doing nothing (either fun, relaxing, or productive) in my daily routine (including too much screen time), resulting in my wasting away my days.
- Poor diet (potentially including some nutritional deficiencies)
- Lack of exercise (which can contribute to tiredness and a lower mood)
- Loneliness/lack of a Social Life (a major issue, although a tougher one for me to resolve, at least straight away)
- Not doing fun/enjoyable things enough (through a lack of energy, discipline (somewhat weirdly), or a sense of guilt).
- Not fixing small, easily fixable problems
- A lack of goals in both my career and my wider life, and a lack of achievements (contributing to my lack of direction, my low self-worth, and a general embarrassment and dissatisfaction with how my life has gone up to now)
Why didn’t I make these lifestyle changes before?
One reason why I wasn’t able to make these changes, rather ironically, is that I lacked the energy to do so. Too often, I felt like I was running on survival mode, and lacked both the energy and motivation to break out of it, especially to make what I would have thought were like fairly insignificant changes anyway.
Not that I did think about it very much. When things are tough it is really hard to find the energy and ability to think about making positive changes, let alone actually doing them. I was in such a mental rut that thinking about what changes I could make to improve things was often beyond my capabilities, even had I thought to do so in the first place, that is. I really was incredibly passive, and helpless, in a way that seems quite shocking looking back. It really does feel like large parts of my own brain was out of my reach/control.
Contrary to making positive changes, in fact, I would actually often make negative changes. To get me through the tougher times, I would actively try to shorten the days as much as possible, as this felt like the only way I was able to get through them. I would also eat lots of unhealthy food to try and give me some energy, or comfort. These habits would often then outlast whatever thought or event had triggered this low-point in the first place.
Then there is the fact that I would often take my thoughts at face value, as being ‘real’ thoughts that needed to be taken seriously. That isn’t to say that I thought they were true, but that I saw the thoughts themselves as being the cause of my problems, rather than them being the symptom. As such I thought they had to be faced head on, and that the problem was that I had done and kept doing things that were wrong.
When I did think that their cause was a mental health issue, I still didn’t think that small changes to my lifestyle would help. What I did think could help were sudden and dramatic lifestyle changes that couldn’t realistically be achieved immediately, even in normal circumstances, but especially with my mental state being what it was. When these attempts would therefore fail, I would be demoralised, and nothing would have changed.
Even when despite of all these challenges, I did manage to make positive changes, I would often end up backsliding. Often this would be because I had a thought that I believed to be true, and I would think my life was over (again). Then I would be back in survival-mode, trying to drag myself through the days, and thinking that attempts to improve things were pointless, because I really had done something life ruining, so no lifestyle change was going to undo or change that.
At other times I would simply not maintain these changes, and so I would slip back to how things were before, not with a bang, or a big event, but with a slow, unnoticed backsliding.
Then there was also the fear that making these changes risked making things worse.
The fear of making things worse:
One fear I had was that by pushing myself to do things outside of my comfort zone, or to be stricter with myself, it could result in me being too low and this could then lead me to think a thought that couldn’t be unthought.
To be honest I think this fear was at least partly an excuse, and that I could have ignored this fear had I really tried to. The fear was real though, and when I was already seriously lacking both energy and determination, I was easily put off. For that reason I think this fear really did play a major role, even if only because part of me wanted it to be true, because it was (in some ways) easier.
It didn’t help that when I did try and do things, I often would end up feeling worse. When I forced myself to go out more for instance, there was always a chance that I would end up at the end of the day hunched over, my brain swimming with anxiety to the point of being pretty much shut down.
Perhaps I could have pushed my way through this, and perhaps it would have worked, and I could be better by now. Or perhaps not, and I would have just made things worse. Or perhaps, without also addressing my OCD, it wouldn’t have worked out anyway, and so would have been in vain. I suspect this last one is by far the most likely outcome.
Ultimately while I think the idea of the ‘unthinkable thought’, is an OCD myth, there were times when I was so low that I do think it was best not to do so. Sometimes it is far better to be safe than sorry, especially where mental health is concerned. When I was at my lowest, it would not have been the time to do things that could make me feel even worse, as it was not worth the risk. Now that I am in a far better place though, I feel I am able to do things that I previously would not have done.
I think though that there is also another way to go about it, to minimise any risk.
An example of this is trying to maintain a sleep schedule. In order to do this, I wanted to set an alarm, but I feared what could happen if I was too tired the next day, so if I took slightly too long to fall asleep, I would cancel the alarm.
Now I could have kept the alarm and accepted the risk, but there are other ways to improve my sleep schedule. These could include starting by going to sleep earlier, making my room more amenable to good quality sleep (cooler or darker etc), or by things such as reducing screen time before bed. These can help bring benefits without the risk, and then when I am in a better place, I could then focus on sticking to the alarm more.
Or I could start with something else entirely, such as with my diet.
How is this time different?
The major difference this time is that I am in a far better mental state now. The OCD treatment that I have done has given me the ability and the breathing space to really make positive lifestyle changes that I want to make. I have the mental capacity to think through and plan what changes I should make. I have the energy and strength to make these changes, and the confidence that I can withstand any setbacks that may occur along the way.
I am in a state now, for instance, where I feel like I can set and maintain an alarm (yes I know in the grand scheme of things that is not a big achievement, but for me that is progress).
I have also not had any major crashes. The low points I have had have not been so bad so as to wash away all progress and force me back into survival mode. I think a major contributor to this is that I now have the understanding and confidence to trust that when I feel low, it doesn’t mean that the thought is true. That means that I have the conviction to maintain my progress, because of this trust that this low point will pass, and so it will not all be for nothing.
As I mentioned at the start, making improvements to my lifestyle and OCD treatment can combine to form a virtuous circle. As such if I can make these improvements, then that should in turn further improve my mental wellbeing, and so reduce the number and severity of my intrusive thoughts, making my OCD easier to manage.
I also feel that I have a better idea of how to go about it now.
How am I going about it?
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I have therefore started by identifying small changes that are impactful, and are achievable, and that have a way to verify progress (so I don’t get discouraged by a lack of visible progress).
For me, I think that diet and sleep are two good places to start.
With my diet, one thing I have done is to look through it and identify any possible deficiencies in it that could be contributing to my tiredness. In doing so I discovered that I was not really eating anything containing omega-3. My next goal is to come up with more things that I can eat that are healthy, so I don’t end up caught between ending up hungry, or just eating junk food that isn’t good for me. What I see as being important is not so much instant improvements, but consistent progress that can be maintained, without backsliding too much.
I have also tried to implement a more consistent sleep schedule, to improve the quality of my sleep, and to give me more time in the day to do things. I have had limited success so far because I am still reluctant to risk tiredness, so I have cancelled my alarm at times. I also struggle with discipline to go to bed earlier, which to be honest is probably a bigger problem. I need to be tougher with myself here. I know I am in a good enough mental state, and have the tools available to me now to cope any problems that may arise, so I need to push myself more.
A final change I have made is getting into the habit of doing things, and breaking from the helplessness I have become accustomed to. This is both regarding big changes such as being more productive, but also to do with small changes. If I realise that I have left something upstairs for example, rather than feeling sorry for myself, I tell myself to go and get it. I already feel that, just as I taught myself before to be helpless, I am beginning to teach myself to be naturally more proactive.
Even these small changes can make a big difference to my sense of self worth, as I can see myself achieving things, even if they are only tiny things. It is certainly better than wallowing in self-pity, even if that is somewhat addictive, as it starts to change my self0perception from being someone who can’t do things, to someone who can.
How has it worked out so far?
These are small changes, and I have so far to go. Frankly I am embarrassed by where I still am, and how far there is to go (even if I don’t think that is either fair or helpful), but I am still near the beginning of this and I do believe that I will continue to improve things. I am hopeful that this process will pick up speed as I continue to improve. And even if it is slow, I am at least now finally making progress, which is such a relief to me.
I still don’t want to go too slowly though. Partly this is because I obviously want things to improve as quickly as possible (although I would rather be slow and steady than rush and fall back down), but also because I believe that it is very important for me to maintain momentum and a sense that things are indeed progressing. If I stagnate too much I risk demoralising myself, and losing momentum, and then starting to backslide back into the old habits that are still there just beneath the surface.
I have seen notable improvements as a result of the changes I have made so far. I am still tired, but not as tired as I was, and I am at least able to do more things. I am also generally getting up earlier which is lengthening the days again, and giving me back time to do things, whether they are productive and/or fun things.
Another improvement is that I am getting into the habit of noticing when things isn’t right in my life, and being proactive about doing something to put it right, whatever that may be (doing small jobs/thinking about an issue in order to make my life a bit better, or noticing when something is heading in the wrong direction).
I am also having fewer intrusive thoughts than I used to. How much of my improvement is down to my lifestyle changes, and how much is down to me learning how better to manage my OCD, I am not exactly sure. I suspect it is primarily the OCD treatment, but like I said though, changes to my lifestyle and OCD treatment work together, and make each other easier, so both are well worth doing. And I do think the lifestyle improvements play a part as well, even if it is the smaller of the two.
And of course having more energy, doing more things, being healthier etc, are all things that I want to do anyway, so it is good to do this for its own sake. It is just for me with my OCD they are more important than usual.
Links to a couple of resources:
If you are looking for more information and advice on sleep hygiene, then this link may help, while some dietary information can be found here.
